The Inevitable Question

I’ll be going to Kota Bharu tonight insya Allah – just to be there for Jue as she is to be married tomorrow night, with the kenduri (reception) on Saturday. Jue have asked me to be her pengapit – the Malay version of bridesmaid - a long time ago. Hence, I’ve taken extra care to make sure that I won’t be held up by other obligations this weekend.

I have read somewhere that 80% of weddings all over the year occur between May and October. Well, in Malaysia however, it almost seems like 80% of weddings occur during school holidays. Jue’s kenduri will be held this weekend – but the groom’s reception will be next week, as school kids begin their one-week break. Jue have also asked me to be her pengapit during the groom’s kenduri next week.

This won’t be my first time as a pengapit, since I have experienced being a bidan terjun (last minute) pengapit before. Like western bridesmaid, a pengapit’s first duty is to complement and enhance the star of the show – the Bride. However, unlike western wedding that allows for a few bridesmaids – there’s only one pengapit for a Malay bride. Although a pengapit is rarely asked to plan and organize a bridal shower, she has to be with the Bride at all times during the whole ordeal – to calm the Bride’s nerves just before she’s pronounced as a wife (for some reasons or other – most of my friends always shed a tear or two just before the akad nikah), to be alert for the Tok Kadhi’s signal to take the Bride out from her room during the akad nikah session, to ensure that the Bride doesn’t move too fast to meet up the groom and hold his hands for the first time as husband and wife before the procession begins, to ensure that the Bride’s make-up is intact before, during and right after the bersanding (without the tepung tawar & what nots – more and more Malays are having the pelamin merely for photo shooting purposes), to organise the Bride for photo sessions, and the list goes on and on and on.

It’s common that the pengapit chooses her own dress, (perhaps to spare her from humiliating herself in a bad dress - at least the Mat Salleh bridesmaids get to wear bad dresses in a group…), but the bride will advise her on what to wear. In Jue’s case she has asked me to wear yellow, so that it’ll nicely match the baju melayu that will be worn by the groom’s pengapit (best man). Jue even took the fuss of making sure that her groom-to-be picked someone about my height to be his pengapit.

Thus, I bought some materials that I thought would meet Jue’s approval. Unlike me, Jue is an immaculate dresser, and I have no intention for her to complain later on that her wedding photos are put down by the presence of an ill-fitting, undistinguished baju pengapit. I seeked her opinion before sending the materials to my tailor and finally settled on having my material to be turned into a pair of long dress with a matching kebaya.

So, I’m basically prepared. I have a fair knowledge of what’s to be expected from a pengapit. I already bought a nice baju pengapit on my own. Got the plane tickets ready on my own. Bought two wedding gifts on my own. Yes, two – because I like giving something ‘extra’ for my girlfriends (that must be opened in private) in addition to the ‘normal’ publicly accepted gift.

Now, time to embrace myself and prepare to navigate intrusive questioning by ‘well-meaning’ strangers - on my own.

Well, I would normally join some other girlfriends to weddings or just bring along one of my young cousins as my company. The girls just relish the idea of dressing up, getting some nice bunga telur and a chance of meeting a bride. The chosen girl I picked to accompany me would return home to share with her sisters and other female cousins her experience of meeting ‘that gorgeous bride’. It’s a girl’s thing I supposed – one of the things I’ve missed on when I was a little girl since I grew up among brothers and male cousins.

Jue’s wedding will be the first that I’ll attend all on my own – another friend has promised to attend it, but she won’t be there throughout the whole akad nikah and kenduri sessions. Although I’ve met one of Jue’s sister once, and have no doubt that I can get along with the rest of the family well, I must confess that I’m not too keen to be subjected to some intrusive questioning. And I know that they are coming, maybe not from Jue’s immediate family members. But chances are, one way or another, I’ll meet some makcik-makcik who could not hold their tongues from asking that question…

Imagine - there I’ll be, attending to Jue’s needs. Getting a glass of water or passing some tissues to wipe the sweat away, making small talk to comfort her and one or the other makcik will come in the room to comment on how beautiful and how radiant the bride look. How they remember seeing Jue when she was still in diapers and look at her now – all grown up and getting married! How wonderful! They’ll embrace her while congratulating and wishing her all the best.

Then - they’ll turn their attention to me - “Ni kawan Jue?”
I’ll smile politely and nod my head.
“Dah kahwin?”
“Belum”
“Bila lagi?”

Grrr…. The answers vary according to my mood.

A few understanding makcik-makcik will stop at that.

But some could not help themselves from prodding further; they will ask whether I’m seeing anyone yet (they always have to throw in the yet). And they will go on to talk about the pros of getting married and raising a family while one is still young and all the 1001 reasons on why one should not wait too long to settle down.

And there I’ll be – nodding my head zombie-like and smiling a chalky smile, half listening and half thinking – of all the things I would love to say but won’t - in response to their statements.

I am happy to be there for Jue – to lend some support and to share a poignant moment in her life. I just hope I won’t have many encounters with such makcik-makcik that can make me feel of killing somebody – preferably the person asking stupid questions and imparting unwanted ‘well-meaning’ advice.

Any tips on how to handle such makcik effectively?

(Note: I'll return on Monday insya Allah. Till then, have a nice day everyday, everybody.)